Daughter of mine

Daughter of mine

I miss you.  

I miss you every day.

You are in my thoughts constantly.  

I want to take the fear and unknown away.

My heart feels broken.  

 

I long to lay my eyes on your precious son.  

Like you,  I long to touch him and hold him.  

Tears fall at the thought of not knowing 

when my lips will touch his face.

It hurts me that you are in pain 

 

and discomfort every single day.  

Stress does cruel things to our bodies.

You still amaze me even in the toughest of times.

You will be an amazing mommy!  

You are such a strong tower.

You are so beautiful and you've radiated 

the inner beauty of a mommy to be.

 

I am here for you...

...always.

I pray for you always.

I am already in love with your child..and will be ALWAYS.

 

 We walk this road together.

We walk by faith, not by sight.

Lindsey Joy 

I love you!

Always!

Dallas, daughters, Beto and Beckham

After a much anticipated trip I boarded a plane on the 31st of October to Texas.  I wanted to be able to see Lindsey pregnant at least once before the baby came.  Little did I know that when I booked my flight that this trip would be more meaningful than ever.  Finding out about baby Beckham's heart made the trip priceless.

Alicia decided to book a flight from Chicago and join me for a little visit to the heart of Texas, Lindsey and Beto's house.

All three of my girls in the same place!  This has not happened since Christmas so it was a joy to my soul to see them all together.  Jenna was very sick so she asked that I not take a ton of photos of her.  She ended up at the doctor to find out she had an ear infection and a sinus infection.  Such crappy timing for her to end up sick.  She had to work and go to school so her time with us was so short to begin with.

 

Day 1, all three girls

We had a fun night at Sissie's for dinner enjoying some southern food and a hillbilly quartet consisting of 5 people (thus, the "hillbilly" being added to the quartet by the groups lead guy).  They played some good ole gospel music and I really enjoyed it!  It was fun to see people singing along and raising their hands while enjoying dinner.  Trust me, I've never seen that in a restaurant in Michigan.

The next night was the baby shower.  Beto and Lindsey's photography friends did an incredible job of hosting a wonderful night filled with much love, food, and gifts.

 

My oldest two.  Jenna was very sick and opted out of photos.  These two are like twins only 21 months apart in age.  I love seeing them together.  It's like they are little girls again and BFFs.

The kids were thrilled with the carseat - stroller combo gift from Alfred & Alicia and Dave & me.

The food consisted of a chili bar, ice tea and coffee and this spread of desserts.  Oh YUM!  Yes, I had the chocolate pie of course.

 

It's tradition for us to visit Waxahachi and the Dove's Nest gift shop and luncheonette.  Jenna had school so it was just the three of us.  Always good food and fun shopping after.  Note my purse made by Momma Roar.  I was glad to have something nice and light to carry on my trip.

The three of us also did some shopping for Beckham's room and for ourselves of course.  I can't miss a chance to visit the Lush bath store and load up before heading home.

 

Since Jenna would soon be celebrating her 24th birthday we decided to enjoy some time with her and go to dinner and for dessert a bit early.  Sitting outside while eating our pizza was amazing.  This time of year in Michigan you just can't do that.  Alicia and I were basking in the 80+ degree weather knowing all too soon we would be back home in the colder temps.

I've said it so many times it's ridiculous, but I do have the best son in law ever!  He's so patient and he endured us 4 women without a single complaint and with a smile on his face.

After pizza we headed to La Duni's for dessert.

We all enjoyed some yummy goodness and celebrated Jenna!

Happy 24th birthday today to my baby girl!  Can't believe she's all grown up.

Each trip to Dallas we've been watching the construction of the Margaret Hunt Hill bridge.  I finally got to ride on it.  I was so busy trying to figure out my new phone to photograph it that I missed the drive over it and missed the photo.  Thanks to Alicia I have this picture to remember the ride I missed.

One place Beto has been talking about is Emporium Pies.  After an afternoon of shopping for a baby mattress and more we loaded up on some take out pie for later.  Yes, we do love to eat when we are together.  I saw this wall outside of the pie shop and thought of my friend JM.  She sings like an angel, or so I believe and she came to mind as soon as I saw this spot.  Oh how I wished we were sitting there eating pie and drinking coffee together.

I forgot to mention these little guys.  I tried my hand at knitting and it bombed.  I decided to give felting a shot and ended up with these little toys to add to the shower gifts.  They are stuffed with jingle bells from Lindsey and Beto's wedding day.  I hope Beckham loves them someday.  (Ahhh blogger, I do not like it when you post my photos sideways!)

Beckham's room is filling up quickly.  By the time I left his crib was stuffed with baby gifts.  The mattress arrived after I got home.  His momma has a new crib sheet to put on  and soon she will have curtains to hang in bright and fun colors.  The rug for the floor is being shipped.  It's all coming together for the day he can come home!

 

This entire trip was filled with much laughter and love, but also more emotion than I can write about.  We were all able to attend the echo-gram for Beckham's heart.  It was a time of many questions followed by many tears.  I'm thankful we are a close family and we can laugh together, but also cry together.  My daughter is a very strong woman, but the unknown is filled with so many questions for her.  Please continue to pray for her and Beto as well as for Beckham to enter this world with great promise and joy.  There is so much more I could say, but for now this is enough.  (You can find a FB page at Beats for Beckham to show your support.)

On the day I left we had brunch at The Porch where Jenna works.  The food was fabulous and way too much of it.  Jenna served us well and it was time for the first goodbye.  I see so little of my baby girl.  It was hard to walk away once again.

We walked outside and found a nice little place for a few last photos.

They are so good together!

Beckham was spoiled already by Grammy and Auntie Leashie.  We LOVE this baby and his momma!

We loved on this belly over and over.  We longed to feel him kick, and kick he did.  We wanted to shower Lindsey with love and get every last touch in before we had to leave.

We are a crazy bunch, but a bunch who love one another and care deeply for each other.  I'm so thankful, thankful beyond words, for this trip.  I needed to be with my daughter right now.  I needed to love on her and her unborn son.  I will treasure this visit far more than any before it.  It was such an emotional visit, but a gift for all of us that cannot have a price tag attached.

He scattered the stars in the heavens

Lord, it's me again.  I'm sure You've noticed that we've been talking more than usual lately.  It seems I'm finding that moment by moment I need to be reminded that You are there.  I know, You promised me that You would always be here for me and never leave me alone, but boy do I feel alone at times.  It comforts me to come talk with You.  I always find that peace that the world seems to rob me of.

Lord, I know Your Word is truth and life.  I learned this as a very little girl.  You know, as I grew I began to realize that life is not always so easy.  There are these times when the rubber really meets the road.  Father, I'm thankful that You have been there all along.  ALWAYS.

I've walked through some tough times in my 52 years.  I've hurt so deep in my core that I wondered how in the world the wound would ever heal.  You, my God, are the great healer.  You, my God, brought me out of places that burned and scarred my heart and soul.  You brought me out whole again.

So now Father, I walk an unknown path once again.  You never said life would be piece of cake.  You never promised me smooth sailing.  Yet I know You promised to bring me THROUGH to the other side and bring me out refined and more like your son Jesus Christ.  Oh how often I've prayed, "Whatever it takes Lord."

Two weeks ago when Lindsey called and gave me the news of baby Beckham's heart I felt the bottom drop out.  It felt like my heart was ripped right out of my chest.  I shut down for a few hours.  I couldn't cry, couldn't process.  My baby girl was facing life head on with a huge hurdle and I couldn't take the pain away.  This is a mother's nightmare.

As I think back on each step I smile knowing that You were there.  In the midst of my heartache Your Word was in my heart.  Your hands were holding me up and carrying me.  Yes Lord, You are faithful.

The next week was a place I hate, a roller coaster.  I remember the last time I boarded a roller coast I promised You that as  mother I would never EVER get on one again.  It was insane and I needed to keep my feet on the ground for my children.  Well, that was a literal roller coaster and now I was on an emotional one and no matter how hard I was screaming and crying I needed to ride the ride to arrive at the end and see that during the ride I was being held on to by the hand of GOD alone.

Lord, here I am two weeks later.  My heart feels peace even as the world is screaming at me.  Some scream FAITH, HOPE, MIRACLES!  If we don't believe we sin!!!  You know Lord, I DO believe in healing.  I just don't understand the preaching and condemnation of some. Others mourn for things lost even though Beckham has not even entered this world yet.  I'm torn Lord.  I'm confused.  I want to plug my ears.  I need love and support, not preaching or doubt.

So today I fight to close out the noise of this world and cling to You.  I believe Lord.  I believe that the Maker of this world makes NO mistakes.  I believe that if You could hang the moon and the stars then You alone ARE a miracle worker for Beckham.

My faith may only be the size of a mustard seed at times, but Your Word assures me that it's enough to move mountains!  I will stand strong and trust that You have a plan and purpose for Beckham.  You are directing the path of our family.  You have knit Beckham in Lindsey's womb and he IS fearfully and wonderfully made.

I thank you Lord, my Father, my God for each and every promise you have given to ME.  You are a loving God and the picture You see is far more than my finite mind can fathom.  Oh how I pray that when the unbelief wiggles it's way in that You will restore my faith and trust in the One who created the universe, in You my God.

I'm mystified at how much I love this little boy.  The very thought of him bring tears to me eyes.  He is already a huge part of our family.  What a gift, Lord, what a gift!  

I give You THANKS for BECKHAM.

Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait I say, on the Lord.   

Psalms 27:14

For my daughter

Lindsey Joy and Mommy 1983

I Loved You From The Start

Author: Unknown

I loved you from the very start…

You stole my breath, embraced my heart.

 

Our life together has just begun,

You’re part of me, my little one.



As mother with child, each day I knew

My mind would be filled with thoughts of you.

I’m daydreaming of the things we’ll share,

Like late-night bottles and teddy bears.

Like first steps and skinned knees,

Like bedtime stories and ABC’s.



I’m thinking of things you’ll want to know,

Like how birds fly and flowers grow.

I’ve thought of lessons I’ll need to share,

Like standing tall and playing fair.



When I first see your precious face,

I’ll pray your life be touched with grace.

I’ll thank the Lord from above,

And promise you unending love.



Each night I’ll lay you down to sleep,

I’ll gently kiss your head and cheek.

I’ll count your little fingers and toes,

I’ll memorize your eyes and nose.



I will linger at your nursery door,

Awed each day that I love you more.

Through misty eyes, I’ll dim the light,

And whisper, “I love you” every night.



As mother with child our journey’s begun,

My heart’s yours forever, little one.


 I loved you from the very start…

You stole my breath, embraced my heart.

 

 Lindsey Joy ~ 22 weeks

Lindsey Joy, this poem speaks the very words held deeply in my heart 29 years ago.  Now look at you, so beautiful, so happy and so filled with wonder.

Your little boy is growing.  Each day you are noticing him more as he kicks reminding you that he is there.  I cannot even begin to tell you what the months that are ahead will feel like.  There's nothing like it, a growing baby within.  You'll feel the kicks.  You'll feel the hick-ups and before you know it you see little hands and feet moving across your belly.  He's right there tucked up under your heart.

I know you wonder what life will be like when he arrives.  Will you lose apart of yourself?  Will you be a good mom who loves to play with her little one?  Will you be able to handle the challenges that come with a new baby?

Trust me my daughter, you will be the best!  You are filled with love and all too soon this little boy will fill every single corner of your heart to where you can't imagine there's any room left.  He will smile at you and just that small little turned up mouth will melt you into a thousand pieces.  His eyes will sparkle when he sees you.  Your heart will feel like exploding.  And when his little head snuggles up in your neck and he falls peacefully asleep you will quietly utter a prayer that this moment will never come to an end.

 Lindsey, I wish you all the wonderful and magical moments I felt with you.  I still hold on to the memory of your little face against mine.  I can see your little smiles and sparkling blues eyes when I close mine.  I can feel your heartbeat against my chest when I think of you right there so close and such a part of me all those many years ago.

Oh yes, life will change for sure. 

 He will steal your breath and embrace your heart.

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness

I left therapy in tears today.  I didn't want to cry.  I tried hard not to cry, but I cried.

Therapy, it's a weird thing.  You walk in with some sort of need to be made well.  People all around you are fighting to regain their life and their independence.  I look around while I'm there and see so much pain combined with so much progress.  It's an interesting place.

Today I listened intently to people.  Lots of idle chatter going on.  Some girl talking about food.  A guy talking about fishing.  Another guy talking about his early morning college classes.  Yeah, lots of idle chatter.  That's part of the experience.

Me, I walked in expecting nothing today.  I was a bit down and out.  I think I was just tired.  I dreaded going to see Mason, my therapist, because I was in a funk of a mood.  I wanted to be all cheery and full of smiles saying all was well, but I wasn't feeling it, inside or out.  It didn't talk long for that to change.

Mason, the guy I called an angel after helping me overcome severe hip pain in a very short time.  Mason, the last guy on earth I expected God to put in my path to really be so much more than a therapist. 

It's pretty normal to share that idle chit-chat with your therapist.  Each time I've gone I've had a different person work with me.  Each time we began by talking about my health issues and then moved on to getting to know one another.  The common questions about how many kids you have or where you live are just a part of the process.

With Mason it turned very differently very quickly.

On my first visit we started the usual talk about family.  Before I knew it Mason was not only helping my hip feel better, but he was reaching a place in my heart that I had begun to close off.  We talked about our faith, our kids, our struggles.  He shared things from his life away from the Lord and how he found his way back.  He shared things that were new and eye opening to me leaving me to face the hard cold fact that my heart was shutting down and closing the door on areas that needed prayer and a new preservative to fight the good fight and never give up.

It's weird how in the most unusual places God shows up.  Why do I find it so amazing?  Isn't that who God is, amazing?  Doesn't He desire to show up and knock us off our feet leaving us in awe of His ways and His greatness?

Mason and I have been working together for the last two weeks.  Today we just sat and talked as he worked on my sore foot.  We talked about our goals as parents.  Even though his kids are younger and mine are adults and on their own we still have the desire to speak life and truth to them.  He began to share thoughts about the work of the Holy Spirit with me.  He reminded me of how at times there can be a cloud brought about by the enemy to cause a person's focus to become distorted and unclear.  He was reaching my heart.  He was being God's instrument in the flesh.

It was time to leave.  Mason had been out of the room for a couple of minutes and when he returned he looked at me with a smile and told me that he would be praying for my family, for answers to things I do not understand.  He made me promise to come back in time and share the good news of answered prayer with him.  He spoke faith, hope, and love in those few words.

Oh boy, that just did me in.  That's when the tears came.  This guy, this therapist guy just ministered to my sore and pain filled heart to the point where I knew, I KNEW the Spirit of the Living God was there, right there in the doorway of the therapy room. 

I left the building and drove away.  I then wept.  I soaked in the goodness of the God I serve.  I love the way He cares so deeply for me that he chose to use a physical therapist to reach me and remind me that I am not alone.  He cares so intently that in the middle of my day to day this and that He shows up and blows my socks off. 

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

Lord, thank you for being a God that is so personal and so real that You can reach down in my every day life and bring hope and healing not only to my body, but more importantly to my soul.  You never leave me on my own, but You show up and lead me by green pastures.  Your tenderness and gentleness can even be found through a therapy session where I never thought about Your presence being so real and so strong.  You truly are a personal God who not only knows the very number of hairs on my head, but also the deepest pain and hurts in my life where you long to bring healing.  I thank you Lord for reminding me that You alone are the balm that heals the broken hearted and You alone never stop giving to your own.

Peachy Pie Just Ain't Gonna Cut It

 Lindsey at 20 weeks

It was Tuesday and I knew the kids were heading to the doctor for the big, "We're finding out the baby's sex" visit.  Lindsey's appointment was mid morning and I was at work just chomping to find out what the news would be.

Somehow without even really giving it much thought I just assumed it was a girl.  I guess after giving birth to three daughters and then raising three girls for all those years I had forgotten that there was a 50/50 chance of it being a boy.

I walked into the lab at work and found a note on my computer monitor to call Lindsey.  My coworker was smiling while she said, "Call Lindsey!  Call Lindsey!"

I reached the kids cell and Lindsey immediately asked if I wanted to guess.  Nope, no guessing, just tell me!

I heard Beto say, "It's a boy!" 

I responded with, "Really??"

Lindsey piped up and said, "Yup!"

Wow, a baby boy!

I left work right after my quick chat with the kids.  It was my lunch break and I quickly drove home with tears filling my eyes.  I just sort of sat there my entire lunch break soaking in the reality of the news I'd just heard.

Once back at work I walked in and the tears fell.  I smiled at my coworker and explained that this was no longer all about my daughter being pregnant, this was about a little precious baby boy being added to our family. 

I began to wonder what he looks like.  Will he be fair skinned like his momma or brown like his daddy?  Will his eyes be brown or blue?  Will his nose be turned up like his momma's was at birth or will he have a crease between his eyes when he is serious like his daddy?

The one question that stuck in my mind was the very same one I asked myself over and over when I carried his mommy, "Will he know just how much I love him?"

It's been a couple of weeks now and I'm still floating around on a cloud.  I pray for this little guy each day, many times a day.  I want to find little things to send to his mom just so she knows I'm thinking about her and her baby.  I'm in awe of the photos she sends me of her tummy growing each week. 

No, he's no longer called Peachy Pie.  It just doesn't fit.  His dad and mom have not decided on his name quite yet and even if they do it might be their secret to keep until his birth day.  So for now he's just Baby.

I wonder what life will be like when this little boy arrives.  I know one thing for sure, my life changed completely the day I found out that a little boy will enter my world and call me grandma.  He's captured my heart already.  Yup, I'm in love with this little gift of life and I can't wait until January to meet him.  I sure hope he loves kisses.

Peachy Pie

My girl and little, itty bitty Peachy Pie at 16 weeks.  For now that is the name I'm calling the baby.  I love, I mean I LOVE peach pie and so why not?  Hopefully in a few weeks we will know if little Peachy Pie is a boy or a girl.  I may have to find a new name if it's a boy.  Somehow Peachy Pie sounds a bit too sweet for a boy.  Oh well, I'm sure by then this little one might even be given a real name and this Grammy won't need a nickname anymore.