Can anyone hear me?

Recently I've had several people ask me why I no longer blog.  Hmm, why don't I?  I guess I began blogging many years ago when I was at a place in my life where I needed healing and to work through that healing blogging seemed to serve a huge purpose for me.  As time passed my heart and soul truly found a place of peace and my need to get the emotions out slowly dwindled.

Needless to say, the last few years have been the greatest emotional ride I've ever experienced.  How does one process it all?  How in the world can it even be possible to find balance in my life these days? 

As I look back from the beginning where we learned that our first grandchild was on the way and then suddenly learned that baby was swept away before we even got to lay eyes on it, to again learning another precious life had been conceived only to find out the inconceivable meaning of HLHS (hypo plastic left heart syndrome) that seemed to be roller coaster enough.  Oh boy, I didn't have a clue.

Here I am, two years later and there has not been a time where I've gotten off that never ending roller coaster.  There have been phone calls telling us that we were losing our Beckham and to immediately get to Texas.  Moments of sitting in the room with him wondering if he would pull through being on life support or the horrid dreaded seizures that he experiences daily, hourly, constantly. Yes, his parents are wonderful photographers, but sweet Beckham is broken.  He cannot focus his eyes on us.  He cannot smile, swallow, breathe on his own, sit, stand, roll over, walk, talk... You name it, the list goes on. 

I've sat and caught a couple of very brief glimpses of heaven, just a couple, where he smiled in his sleep and I was reminded of the little baby that once was.  The baby that could smile... It warmed my heart and then just as quickly plummeted it back to a place of such sorrow that the tears once again fell.

Along the way we experienced the birth of our second grandson.  What a joy!  But, but joy comes at a price for us.  Sitting in a hospital room looking for nurses that don't exist.  Weeping over wires that are not necessary for this little life.  Grieving for Beckham as we look at tiny Cy.  This is not how it should be!  I'm angry.  I'm hurting.  This is not right!!  I'm striving to protect one daughter always and yet working to not take away from the happiness and joy that the other deserves in her moment.

Yes, this has been my life...every...single...day.

I honestly feel that I have been given the most beautiful and amazing gift in a little boy named Beckham.  Through all the pain and suffering he is still the most life changing thing that has ever happened to me and I will always give thanks for him.  I will always hurt and be in pain for what this baby has endured, but my love is endless toward him.

So I'm blogging.

Today I'm blogging because I just can't deal with the emotions.  Everyone has answers as to how I should feel and how I should deal with this.  You know what?  There is no manual.  I cannot suppress the pain and anger.  I cannot hold in my grief to spare someone else's feelings.  When it comes right down to it, I'm a mother!  This is my family!  I'm suppose to care for everyone and make things better.  I CAN'T!  This is my grandson.  This is changing our entire family.  There are days I wonder if any of us will ever recover.  

I know we are strong people.  I know we all know how to fight, but how do you daily, for two years, stay strong in the battle against death?  How do you live in that valley?  It's a place where if you feel happiness you are eaten alive because somehow you feel so guilty for feeling good.  It's a place where you know you cannot live in sadness because then you have given in to the evil that is working to destroy every good thing.

I just want to scream.  I need to scream.  I want to be heard.  Just once I want to be able to tell it like it is and have someone say it's okay to feel every stinkin', rotten emotion that I feel.  It's okay to cry myself to sleep and cry when I stand in my shower.  It's okay to laugh my head off and want to sing a song at the top of my lungs and not suddenly be overcome with a feelings of being ashamed.

I heard someone comment recently about my daughter seeming angry and bitter in the things she writes.  My heart broke into a million pieces.  Yup, she is.  She's a momma who cares for a son she loves with every ounce of her being, but let's face it, it all sucks for her.  She writes very honestly and open and her days aren't filled with roses and wine.  I wish this journey were not raw and painful, but in the real world things hurt, people bleed, and sometimes it's bitter.

I don't want someone's sermon.  I've heard them all.  I know God is there.  I know all the promises.  I cried out to Him to heal this little baby along with 1000's and He answered "no", at least not here and now.  I'm working to find my way back to Him and to find my way to just learn how to talk with Him again and to know He loves me even in the times when I understand this life the very least.  I find my refuge in Psalm 23.

For now, maybe writing will allow me to let it out.  So much has been held inside for so very long.  There are emotions that have been stuffed so far down as not to hurt others.  Feelings that no one can really understand unless they have walked in my shoes.  

It will be four years in December since I've had my entire family all together in the same place.  If you take nothing else from this post please hear this.  If you can hug those you love and enjoy being a family around a table...DO IT.  If little things have come between you and those you love, let it go! 

I bought this little plaque recently and it sits in the middle of my shrine of family photos.  It reads, "Never miss an opportunity to tell someone you love them."  Trust me, we all need to be loved and to just have a little help getting through the tough times.  I just have to hang on and believe that love will keep us together.  I just need to have a voice and be allowed to use it once in awhile.

So today I blog.

Part 4: Walking, working, and seeing clearly

Needless to say, this was a Mother's day I'll remember forever.  I can honestly say that it made up for all the years that I had no children at home and sat in a heap of loneliness and self pity.

A dear friend once gently reminded me that Mother's day is just another day.  I needed to reflect on the blessing of being a mother, the blessing of having a wonderful mother of my own, and focus less on my empty heart.  I know she was right, but boy let me tell you that having them home and within my reach to hug is really the best way to enjoy being a mom.

The day after the kids left I returned to work.  It had been 9 1/2 weeks of recovery and I was finally feeling strong enough to go back to my part time job, part time.  I did some half days and even though I was not very strong and my foot hurt I felt a sense of regaining my life at last.

Soon I was out of the big, old, black boot and into a shoe.  What a day that was!  My shoes may not be pretty, but they beat a cast and a boot any old day.

So here I was, back to work, walking pretty good and daily reminding myself of the enormous blessing of walking out of my house on my own.  Being able to drive my car with my right foot was huge.  Yup, life was getting more of a regular routine each day.

While busy at work I got a phone call from one of my daughters.  Knowing that I'm working they normally don't call me unless it's important.  I have to admit that phone calls from Texas these days have set my heart racing.  Between Lindsey's health and Jenna having a car accident while heading to work in Dallas traffic I'm always a bit nervous when their names come up on my phone.(Working hard to get over this issue.)

This time was a very pleasant surprise.  Lindsey was calling to check what our plans were for the 4th of July.  Plans?  Huh?  We never have plans.  We sort of had some plans to attend our church camp out for part of the weekend, but the kids always come first.  They wanted to fly home and spend a week with us!  What great news!  Once again the unexpected visit home from the kids was pure joy.  Alicia decided to hop a train again and come for a couple of days.  Alfred had to work, but she was able to come home.

We had a great time just soaking up the heat here in Michigan.  We spent hours in the pool.  Dave and Beto got to experience some father/son time on the bikes.  We went to the beach which is a must if the kids are home in the summer.  It was my goal to get in the sand this summer and I did it!  It was just what the doctor ordered having the kids home and relaxing together making some good memories.

 My sore and tired feet feeling pretty happy in the beach sand.

 Dave and Beto following a bike ride.

Just relaxing.

The "momma to be" :D

 Sisters at the beach

As always life goes on.  The kids returned to their homes and Dave and I are back to just the two of us.  Things are slightly different these days as we spent countless conversations talking about becoming grandparents.  We have no idea how this long distance thing is going to feel and I just don't really want to think about that part of it right now.  We are just having fun thinking about that little life that will change us forever.

I hope to fly to Dallas this fall to see my sweet girl pregnant.  I can't go the entire time and not see her tummy growing.  With the baby due in January they will not be coming home for the holidays.  There are weddings to photograph and then the time is too close for travel.

All in all I feel over the top blessed and even though my time of recovery didn't give me a super spiritual experience I did learn over time to see the hand of God constantly at work in my life.

I watched Him bring me through a very difficult surgery and recovery.  I witnessed the loss of our precious first grandchild only to be reminded that He never took His eyes off from our kids and He never forgot about us.  Walking through that valley His presence was so sweet giving comfort to us and hope.  The news of another baby on the way was a promise to us that He cares for His own blessing us with the desires of our hearts.  He protected Jenna from harm when in the car accident and extended His loving shoulder to lean on throughout a long and drawn out nightmare of getting the claim settled.

Yes, I DID have an over the top spiritual experience.  It just turned into a daily walk with the Lord once again learning to lean, trust, and hope.  In the lowest of times He was there.  In the height of happiness He was there.

It might have taken me time to process His goodness and faithfulness, but just as He promised He was there all along.


The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. 
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. 
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me;
your rod and your staff, they comfort me. 
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. 
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.
Psalm 23 (NIV)

Part 3: Dealing with the pain, loneliness... and hope!

It was a very difficult time to be so far away from our kids and unable to hold them, cry with them, and love on them.  We were able to Skype which at least allowed us to talk and cry together.  We encouraged them to grieve, but to also keep their hope in the Lord.  He had done great things for us all those years ago when after our first loss came a beautiful baby girl named Lindsey Joy!

You know, it's only God that can remind you in the midst of sorrow and pain that there will be, "... beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor." (Isaiah 61:3)  After a long and rough week where Lindsey was down in bed with a throat infection we began to see hope arise.  Although pain was still present for all of us, we could feel that God had allowed that ray of hope to rise up within our hearts.

It gave me great joy to hear our kids talk about the future and the hope of another pregnancy.  Once again my thoughts went back all those years ago when Dave and I walked this very road and in His timing we were able to look ahead hanging onto the reality that we had once been blessed with a pregnancy and now there was hope, real hope that it would happen again.  I prayed daily for our children and the hope of a new life for them.

Time passed.  Lindsey healed.  Hearts hoped.  As for me, I was in pain and just plain lonely.  I wished each and every day away just waiting to walk again.  I fought guilt for not relishing this time that so many had encouraged me to look forward to before surgery.  Many friends reminded me of this precious time to seek the Lord and just rest in Him.  I felt a sense of guilt for not wanting to spend every waking moment seeking the Lord.  Don't get me wrong, I needed the Lord daily, at times minute by minute, but I just wanted to find this rich place of dwelling in Him and instead found myself tired and just so alone.  I knew the Lord was there with me the entire time.  He made himself known in ways too many to number.  I just needed to look hard to see them and to let go of the self imposed guilt brought on by my own disappointment of not having a "spiritual" experience that was extraordinary while being laid up.

The recovery from my surgery went as well as could be expected.  I had a few set back such as a nerve issue in my leg and pulled back muscle, but the foot seemed to be healing.  Boy, I didn't have a clue pre-surgery that it would be such a long haul.  Each day was the same.  I woke up, struggled to get through a shower and breakfast, rested, struggling to get through lunch and cleaning up the house a bit and more rest only to be watching the clock until Dave came home.  What a HUGE blessing to have a husband who was totally and completely selfless and made me feel loved when I cried, cared for when I couldn't care for myself, and reminded that if he needed to care for me like this for the rest of his life HE WOULD!

I was blessed beyond measure by friends who brought meals and made visits.  If you ever feel the tug on your heart to go visit someone who is house bound, DO IT!  What a blessing a short visit from a friend made in my 9 1/2 weeks at home.  Those of you that took the time, I have no doubt that the Lord has bless you for your willingness to minister to me with your time and love.  (A special thanks to Jan B, Millie H, and Shelly H for all of your visits and the huge blessing of food which helped me to relax knowing David was fed well!  The biggest thanks of all goes to my niece, Heather, who saw me through from the beginning and was there through the good and the bad of this whole experience.)

After 6 1/2 weeks in an expandable cast and then a fiberglass cast I was transitioned into a boot, but still no weight bearing.  Just about that time Mother's Day rolled around.  Beto and Lindsey would be flying home to photograph a wedding here in Michigan and Alicia was coming in from Chicago for the weekend.  I was still not quite up to much, but was thrilled that at last there would be a break in my boring routine and I would have family around me for a few days.  Oh, and the walking could slowly begin little by little.

It was Alicia's birthday that week and she arrived late at night by train on her birthday.  We did a bit of eating out and shopping, a real chore for me at this point, but still good to get out of the house.  I made the best of it and looked forward to Sunday when my girls were going to take over in the kitchen and I could just soak up the blessing of my family being together, well most of us anyway.  Oh how I missed Jenna and a family time is never complete without Alfred!

Mother's day morning arrived and Lindsey and Beto gave me a mother's day card.  I read it thanking them for their thoughtfulness.  Lindsey asked if I had read it.  Of course I had.  She told me to read it again, every word.  I reopened it and saw she had addressed it to "Grandma".  What???  Seriously???

Once again my precious girl was carrying a baby.  It was very early on and Lindsey had just, I mean just found out.  She privately shared with us and her sister once again swearing us to secrecy.

(Deep sigh)

HUGE SMILES

Tears, oh yes tears

Heart bursting, bursting, bursting so that I thought there could never ever be room for more joy.

To be continued...

Part 2: Surgery day arrived and a whole lot more.

March 1st quickly arrived and off to the surgical center we went.  The couch was made up with sheets and pillows.  The little basket of necessities was full and next to the couch.  The bathroom was now complete with the raised toilet seat (oh Lord, really?  Yes, really!)  The tub had a new shower hand held sprayer and a tub seat.  The walker and crutches were all set to be used.

Surgery went well, really well.  I came out of it with little pain and was ready to get home and get well.

The first couple of days Dave was able to be with me, but his vacation was all used up and I was dreading being alone and helpless.  Lindsey called and offered to come care for me for a few days.  She would fly in on Sunday afternoon and stay until Thursday giving her time to get back to Texas to photograph a wedding on Saturday.

By the time Linds arrived Dave and I had figured out a good plan of getting me from one room to the other and making sure I was well cared for.  I was so thankful to have Lindsey with me once Dave headed back to work.  The pain had set in and I was helpless.

Lindsey and I spend our time talking and sleeping.  I was on strong pain meds and she was now pregnant.  I relished each moment with my daughter and knew the Lord had shed his goodness upon me by having Lindsey home.

During the few days Linds was home she was able to share their exciting news with family and friends here in Michigan.  It was fun to let the cat out of the bag and start telling my friends and family as well.  I'm a talker and it was hard to keep my mouth shut for a month.

Thursday came all too quickly and it was time for Lindsey to fly back to Beto in Texas.  Dave loaded me in the back seat of the car and off we went to the airport.  I was still on heavy meds so the trip was not a big deal and it was good to get out for a short ride.

Lindsey made it home and by the weekend they had pretty much shared with family and friends about the news of the baby.  They had the wedding to photograph on Saturday and then on Monday would post their news on Facebook for the rest of the world to know.

I knew something was wrong when she called me Saturday late morning asking questions.  Wow, I can't even write this without reliving the moments, hours and days that followed.

She called her doctor, rested until she had to leave and then headed off to photograph the wedding.  What a day it was for her. Alfred and Alicia had come home to be with me for the weekend and we waited, prayed, and hoped. We talked on the phone with Lindsey off and on and by Sunday morning she shared that she had lost the baby.

OH THE PAIN!

After walking this road in my own life twice I knew just what she was going through.  I knew the feelings of loss, disappointment and sorrow.  I knew the dreams that had begun to bud were trampled on and destroyed.  What I didn't know is that it hurt me more to watch my children walk this road than it did for me to walk it out in my own life all those years ago.

To be continued...

The new year arrived and so did a bucket load of emotions

It's hard to imagine all that has happened around here over the last 5 months. Although I have not been blogging I've decided to try to record the events so that I can remember them and cherish each part for how it impacted out lives.

Part I: Pure Joy

It seems like the new year had just arrived and all too soon I was looking at foot surgery.  Alfred and Alicia invited us to come visit for a weekend in February and we hopped at the chance knowing I would be laid up for quite some time and the opportunity to head their way would be out of the question for at least awhile.

We hit the road first thing in the morning on a Saturday.  Our 3 hour trip was uneventful.  Just before we were ready to exit off the highway to the kids neighborhood I got a text from Alicia asking us to let them know when we hit the exit.  I didn't think anything about this since it was getting close to the lunch hour and I figured she was getting lunch going and maybe had something to put in the oven.

I sent her a text back just a few minutes later and before we knew it we were at their condo.  We were excited to see them and they quickly ushered us inside and said that Jenna was on Skype so we could all chat.  We sat down and started talking when out from the bedroom popped Beto and Lindsey yelling, "Surprise!"  Huh?  What in the world were they doing there?

I turned around and saw Lindsey holding a little photo of a sonogram and smiling from ear to ear as she told me I was going to be a grandma.  We all hugged, cried, laughed and shared this precious moment together, even Jen was able to see the excitement on Skype.

The weekend was filled with lots of baby talk.  We laughed about all the options for grandparent names.  We all looked ahead to the fall when our first little one would arrive.  I don't think I could have been happier in that moment.

Dave and I love babies!  We both talked during the drive back to Michigan about how hard it would be to have our first grandchild in Texas.  We talked about how excited we were and no matter what we would be in this child's life.  We had a secret to keep for awhile, but it was fun and thrilling.

We had no idea what would lay in store for all of us just around the corner.

To be continued...

Looking back at 2011

I entered 2011 with a word for the year, I felt the Lord directing me to the word "found".  I knew in my heart that I needed to be found changed in many ways.  I longed to be changed spiritually.  My life was in a dry place and renewal was one of my hearts deepest desires.

Today as I look back I can see huge changes that occurred throughout the year, not just for me, but my family as well.  Some things we walked through were pure joy and some were very full of pain.  Through it all I truly have found myself walking closer to the Lord, thankful and very full of hope for the new year that lies ahead.  I am counting my blessings and naming them one by one.


Our family was blessed with a year like none other.  Over the past ten years one or more of our daughters has lived out of state.  This year we enjoyed more visits than ever.  We started things off with an unexpected trip home from Beto and Lindsey in February.  They spent a few days here in Michigan getting a taste of winter weather.  This was a first in all the years they've been together.

In March we took a much unexpected trip to Dallas to be with Jenna after the breakup of her engagement only two months before her wedding day.  It was a difficult trip, but one completely set in motion by the Lord.  The month of May brought us back to Dallas, along with my 81 year old parents, to spend the week that would have been Jen's wedding.  We did plenty of celebrating that there was no wedding.  Along with the heat of summer August brought Dave back to Texas for two weeks of work and time to see the kids.

The fall brought us to Chicago to help Alfred and Alicia move in preparation for Alfred starting school for nursing.  After winning a free flight through Orbitz on Twitter we booked a flight for Dave as well and made a September visit to the Lone Star state for a few more days.

In November we found ourselves on the road for a 17 hour road trip for Thanksgiving.  This time the entire family, all five kids, Dave and I were together.  Although we were only there for about three days it was wonderful!

I never dreamed we would be so blessed to all be together again for Christmas.  All five kids came home!  It's been years since we've all been together for Thanksgiving and Christmas.  My heart was bursting as I sat and looked at my entire family around the table on Christmas night.  My parents joined us as well and the tears fell as Dave thanked the Lord for everyone being together.


My photographer daughter knows the joy it brings to me whenever I get new pictures of my family.  Since we are so far apart the photos are treasures to me and I have them all over my  house.  Our Thanksgiving trip was the perfect time to grab a  photo shoot.  Christmas brought me a wonderful assortment of new pictures for my home thanks to Lindsey Joy.

Dave and I have had a good year.  Although the pain of being apart from Jenna during one of the roughest times in her life was huge, we saw the Lord peeling layers of blinders from her eyes and bringing her into a new and better life.  We found a new church to attend and after years of being one of thousands we are now two in the midst of what I call our church family.  This has been a huge answer to my prayers.

I am more than blessed to have such a wonderful guy by my side.  He sees me through the good and the bad.  There is no one I'd rather walk through this life with.  He loves me so unconditionally that at times I feel so undeserving.  He loves his kids and is a devoted dad.

 

Beto and Lindsey have had a year blessed with their business growing and continuing to prosper.  They love being photographers and do an outstanding job at it.  We couldn't be more proud of their hard work and talent. They have been married for more than six years and are totally and completely in love.

 

Alfred and Alicia have had a year jammed full of work, school, work and more school.  Alicia continues to thrive at her job at the Shedd Aquarium in Chicago.  Her long commute baffles me, but she never complains.  Alfred has just completed his master's degree while working up to three jobs around the clock.  This next year will be a whole new challenge as Alfred has been accepted to nursing school, another answer to many prayers.  They have been married over three years and are also a beautiful mirror of what love and marriage should be all about.

Jenna's year has been so life changing it's hard to put into words.  After getting through the breakup of her engagement she's found herself busy with work and attending the University of North Texas.  She's happy and thriving in her life.  We look forward to seeing what's in store for the new year for her.  She will be moving back in with Beto and Lindsey in a couple of weeks while she's paying for college.  We feel blessed to see her life heading in a good direction and to know she has family that loves her and are there for her during this season in her life.  We miss her like crazy.

Here we are at the end of a very full year.  I feel as though the Lord has filled my cup to overflowing.  The moments spent with my family have been the ones that have seen me through.  I've learned to live life and enjoy life with my kids all far away, but there is still nothing as sweet to a mom's heart as being with her family.

I am thankful for the blessing of family, the most important thing to me. It's a crazy bunch we have filled with much laughter and love.  I'm so thankful for sweet memories to keep me going until whenever the next visit might be.

Happy New Year everyone!

I hope you have found yourself changed during 2011 and may you find all that the Lord has ready to bless you with in 2012.