My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness

I left therapy in tears today.  I didn't want to cry.  I tried hard not to cry, but I cried.

Therapy, it's a weird thing.  You walk in with some sort of need to be made well.  People all around you are fighting to regain their life and their independence.  I look around while I'm there and see so much pain combined with so much progress.  It's an interesting place.

Today I listened intently to people.  Lots of idle chatter going on.  Some girl talking about food.  A guy talking about fishing.  Another guy talking about his early morning college classes.  Yeah, lots of idle chatter.  That's part of the experience.

Me, I walked in expecting nothing today.  I was a bit down and out.  I think I was just tired.  I dreaded going to see Mason, my therapist, because I was in a funk of a mood.  I wanted to be all cheery and full of smiles saying all was well, but I wasn't feeling it, inside or out.  It didn't talk long for that to change.

Mason, the guy I called an angel after helping me overcome severe hip pain in a very short time.  Mason, the last guy on earth I expected God to put in my path to really be so much more than a therapist. 

It's pretty normal to share that idle chit-chat with your therapist.  Each time I've gone I've had a different person work with me.  Each time we began by talking about my health issues and then moved on to getting to know one another.  The common questions about how many kids you have or where you live are just a part of the process.

With Mason it turned very differently very quickly.

On my first visit we started the usual talk about family.  Before I knew it Mason was not only helping my hip feel better, but he was reaching a place in my heart that I had begun to close off.  We talked about our faith, our kids, our struggles.  He shared things from his life away from the Lord and how he found his way back.  He shared things that were new and eye opening to me leaving me to face the hard cold fact that my heart was shutting down and closing the door on areas that needed prayer and a new preservative to fight the good fight and never give up.

It's weird how in the most unusual places God shows up.  Why do I find it so amazing?  Isn't that who God is, amazing?  Doesn't He desire to show up and knock us off our feet leaving us in awe of His ways and His greatness?

Mason and I have been working together for the last two weeks.  Today we just sat and talked as he worked on my sore foot.  We talked about our goals as parents.  Even though his kids are younger and mine are adults and on their own we still have the desire to speak life and truth to them.  He began to share thoughts about the work of the Holy Spirit with me.  He reminded me of how at times there can be a cloud brought about by the enemy to cause a person's focus to become distorted and unclear.  He was reaching my heart.  He was being God's instrument in the flesh.

It was time to leave.  Mason had been out of the room for a couple of minutes and when he returned he looked at me with a smile and told me that he would be praying for my family, for answers to things I do not understand.  He made me promise to come back in time and share the good news of answered prayer with him.  He spoke faith, hope, and love in those few words.

Oh boy, that just did me in.  That's when the tears came.  This guy, this therapist guy just ministered to my sore and pain filled heart to the point where I knew, I KNEW the Spirit of the Living God was there, right there in the doorway of the therapy room. 

I left the building and drove away.  I then wept.  I soaked in the goodness of the God I serve.  I love the way He cares so deeply for me that he chose to use a physical therapist to reach me and remind me that I am not alone.  He cares so intently that in the middle of my day to day this and that He shows up and blows my socks off. 

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

Lord, thank you for being a God that is so personal and so real that You can reach down in my every day life and bring hope and healing not only to my body, but more importantly to my soul.  You never leave me on my own, but You show up and lead me by green pastures.  Your tenderness and gentleness can even be found through a therapy session where I never thought about Your presence being so real and so strong.  You truly are a personal God who not only knows the very number of hairs on my head, but also the deepest pain and hurts in my life where you long to bring healing.  I thank you Lord for reminding me that You alone are the balm that heals the broken hearted and You alone never stop giving to your own.

Peachy Pie Just Ain't Gonna Cut It

 Lindsey at 20 weeks

It was Tuesday and I knew the kids were heading to the doctor for the big, "We're finding out the baby's sex" visit.  Lindsey's appointment was mid morning and I was at work just chomping to find out what the news would be.

Somehow without even really giving it much thought I just assumed it was a girl.  I guess after giving birth to three daughters and then raising three girls for all those years I had forgotten that there was a 50/50 chance of it being a boy.

I walked into the lab at work and found a note on my computer monitor to call Lindsey.  My coworker was smiling while she said, "Call Lindsey!  Call Lindsey!"

I reached the kids cell and Lindsey immediately asked if I wanted to guess.  Nope, no guessing, just tell me!

I heard Beto say, "It's a boy!" 

I responded with, "Really??"

Lindsey piped up and said, "Yup!"

Wow, a baby boy!

I left work right after my quick chat with the kids.  It was my lunch break and I quickly drove home with tears filling my eyes.  I just sort of sat there my entire lunch break soaking in the reality of the news I'd just heard.

Once back at work I walked in and the tears fell.  I smiled at my coworker and explained that this was no longer all about my daughter being pregnant, this was about a little precious baby boy being added to our family. 

I began to wonder what he looks like.  Will he be fair skinned like his momma or brown like his daddy?  Will his eyes be brown or blue?  Will his nose be turned up like his momma's was at birth or will he have a crease between his eyes when he is serious like his daddy?

The one question that stuck in my mind was the very same one I asked myself over and over when I carried his mommy, "Will he know just how much I love him?"

It's been a couple of weeks now and I'm still floating around on a cloud.  I pray for this little guy each day, many times a day.  I want to find little things to send to his mom just so she knows I'm thinking about her and her baby.  I'm in awe of the photos she sends me of her tummy growing each week. 

No, he's no longer called Peachy Pie.  It just doesn't fit.  His dad and mom have not decided on his name quite yet and even if they do it might be their secret to keep until his birth day.  So for now he's just Baby.

I wonder what life will be like when this little boy arrives.  I know one thing for sure, my life changed completely the day I found out that a little boy will enter my world and call me grandma.  He's captured my heart already.  Yup, I'm in love with this little gift of life and I can't wait until January to meet him.  I sure hope he loves kisses.

Peachy Pie

My girl and little, itty bitty Peachy Pie at 16 weeks.  For now that is the name I'm calling the baby.  I love, I mean I LOVE peach pie and so why not?  Hopefully in a few weeks we will know if little Peachy Pie is a boy or a girl.  I may have to find a new name if it's a boy.  Somehow Peachy Pie sounds a bit too sweet for a boy.  Oh well, I'm sure by then this little one might even be given a real name and this Grammy won't need a nickname anymore.

One more goodbye

 

Most of all I wish you Jesus!

May I be all that and much more

 My gram and me ~ 1960

 My mom and me ~ 1960

Growing up I never once thought about what it meant for my grandmother or my mother to be moms.  I never gave a single thought as to how they viewed their lives or if being a mom and grandmother made them happy.  I never had to think about it because I knew from the very depths of my heart that being a mother and grandmother were the number one most important things in their lives.

As a child I remember vividly my grandmother's bible always being on her kitchen table or close by.  Her day began first of all with the Lord before she faced whatever task was hers.  It made an impression on my heart that her values were strong and good.

My mom was and is the most selfless person I know when it comes to her kids.  Not once in my life did I feel like my mom put herself before me and my brothers.  It was just a fact that her kids were her life.

I'm pondering a lot these days.

I miss my grandmother just as much as I did 14 years ago when she left this earth.  I miss her tender and caring heart.  She was the one person that I went to when I needed a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on.  I loved seeing her cater to my 3 little girls as she lead me to believe they were her very favorite great grandchildren even though she had many and each one was a treasure to her.

As a girl and even into my teens my mom was my best friend always.  She never let me down and made sure I felt secure and valued by her in all ways.

Yes, I'm pondering.

Was I a good enough mom?  Will I make a good grandma?

You know, my mom never played games with me.  She never crafted or loved cooking and baking.  Often we think these are the things that make a great mom.  For me it's something far deeper.  It was her undivided attention and unfailing love for me.

Although I never played Scrabble until I was 50 and I never realized all of the ingredients in the world to make amazing food I did know deep down in my heart the a mom's love was constant.  If I needed her she she would drop everything to be there for me.

My memories of my grandmother were a bit different.  She was an outstanding cook.  Her baking was hard to beat. She could sew and crochet beautifully.  She loved to read books to me as a child and to my children when they were big enough to sit on her lap.  Still the most important thing I remember about her was her heart.  To me it was as big as the world and she made me feel as though I filled every corner of it.

And so I ponder.

Will my daughters remember me like I think of my mom?  Will my grandchildren smile as they grow and think of their grandma as the best in the entire world.

I pray daily that I am a mother to be praised and a reflection of two amazing women who have graced my life and both "did it right
!" 

Thank you Lord for the blessing of my godly grandmother and mother.  Thank you for the memories I have as a little girl of being a treasure to both of them.  I ask you Lord to make me into the woman that reflects You in all things.  May my legacy be one of love beyond measure for each child You have given me and hopefully someday to many little ones to come.

Part 4: Walking, working, and seeing clearly

Needless to say, this was a Mother's day I'll remember forever.  I can honestly say that it made up for all the years that I had no children at home and sat in a heap of loneliness and self pity.

A dear friend once gently reminded me that Mother's day is just another day.  I needed to reflect on the blessing of being a mother, the blessing of having a wonderful mother of my own, and focus less on my empty heart.  I know she was right, but boy let me tell you that having them home and within my reach to hug is really the best way to enjoy being a mom.

The day after the kids left I returned to work.  It had been 9 1/2 weeks of recovery and I was finally feeling strong enough to go back to my part time job, part time.  I did some half days and even though I was not very strong and my foot hurt I felt a sense of regaining my life at last.

Soon I was out of the big, old, black boot and into a shoe.  What a day that was!  My shoes may not be pretty, but they beat a cast and a boot any old day.

So here I was, back to work, walking pretty good and daily reminding myself of the enormous blessing of walking out of my house on my own.  Being able to drive my car with my right foot was huge.  Yup, life was getting more of a regular routine each day.

While busy at work I got a phone call from one of my daughters.  Knowing that I'm working they normally don't call me unless it's important.  I have to admit that phone calls from Texas these days have set my heart racing.  Between Lindsey's health and Jenna having a car accident while heading to work in Dallas traffic I'm always a bit nervous when their names come up on my phone.(Working hard to get over this issue.)

This time was a very pleasant surprise.  Lindsey was calling to check what our plans were for the 4th of July.  Plans?  Huh?  We never have plans.  We sort of had some plans to attend our church camp out for part of the weekend, but the kids always come first.  They wanted to fly home and spend a week with us!  What great news!  Once again the unexpected visit home from the kids was pure joy.  Alicia decided to hop a train again and come for a couple of days.  Alfred had to work, but she was able to come home.

We had a great time just soaking up the heat here in Michigan.  We spent hours in the pool.  Dave and Beto got to experience some father/son time on the bikes.  We went to the beach which is a must if the kids are home in the summer.  It was my goal to get in the sand this summer and I did it!  It was just what the doctor ordered having the kids home and relaxing together making some good memories.

 My sore and tired feet feeling pretty happy in the beach sand.

 Dave and Beto following a bike ride.

Just relaxing.

The "momma to be" :D

 Sisters at the beach

As always life goes on.  The kids returned to their homes and Dave and I are back to just the two of us.  Things are slightly different these days as we spent countless conversations talking about becoming grandparents.  We have no idea how this long distance thing is going to feel and I just don't really want to think about that part of it right now.  We are just having fun thinking about that little life that will change us forever.

I hope to fly to Dallas this fall to see my sweet girl pregnant.  I can't go the entire time and not see her tummy growing.  With the baby due in January they will not be coming home for the holidays.  There are weddings to photograph and then the time is too close for travel.

All in all I feel over the top blessed and even though my time of recovery didn't give me a super spiritual experience I did learn over time to see the hand of God constantly at work in my life.

I watched Him bring me through a very difficult surgery and recovery.  I witnessed the loss of our precious first grandchild only to be reminded that He never took His eyes off from our kids and He never forgot about us.  Walking through that valley His presence was so sweet giving comfort to us and hope.  The news of another baby on the way was a promise to us that He cares for His own blessing us with the desires of our hearts.  He protected Jenna from harm when in the car accident and extended His loving shoulder to lean on throughout a long and drawn out nightmare of getting the claim settled.

Yes, I DID have an over the top spiritual experience.  It just turned into a daily walk with the Lord once again learning to lean, trust, and hope.  In the lowest of times He was there.  In the height of happiness He was there.

It might have taken me time to process His goodness and faithfulness, but just as He promised He was there all along.


The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. 
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. 
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me;
your rod and your staff, they comfort me. 
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. 
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.
Psalm 23 (NIV)

Part 3: Dealing with the pain, loneliness... and hope!

It was a very difficult time to be so far away from our kids and unable to hold them, cry with them, and love on them.  We were able to Skype which at least allowed us to talk and cry together.  We encouraged them to grieve, but to also keep their hope in the Lord.  He had done great things for us all those years ago when after our first loss came a beautiful baby girl named Lindsey Joy!

You know, it's only God that can remind you in the midst of sorrow and pain that there will be, "... beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor." (Isaiah 61:3)  After a long and rough week where Lindsey was down in bed with a throat infection we began to see hope arise.  Although pain was still present for all of us, we could feel that God had allowed that ray of hope to rise up within our hearts.

It gave me great joy to hear our kids talk about the future and the hope of another pregnancy.  Once again my thoughts went back all those years ago when Dave and I walked this very road and in His timing we were able to look ahead hanging onto the reality that we had once been blessed with a pregnancy and now there was hope, real hope that it would happen again.  I prayed daily for our children and the hope of a new life for them.

Time passed.  Lindsey healed.  Hearts hoped.  As for me, I was in pain and just plain lonely.  I wished each and every day away just waiting to walk again.  I fought guilt for not relishing this time that so many had encouraged me to look forward to before surgery.  Many friends reminded me of this precious time to seek the Lord and just rest in Him.  I felt a sense of guilt for not wanting to spend every waking moment seeking the Lord.  Don't get me wrong, I needed the Lord daily, at times minute by minute, but I just wanted to find this rich place of dwelling in Him and instead found myself tired and just so alone.  I knew the Lord was there with me the entire time.  He made himself known in ways too many to number.  I just needed to look hard to see them and to let go of the self imposed guilt brought on by my own disappointment of not having a "spiritual" experience that was extraordinary while being laid up.

The recovery from my surgery went as well as could be expected.  I had a few set back such as a nerve issue in my leg and pulled back muscle, but the foot seemed to be healing.  Boy, I didn't have a clue pre-surgery that it would be such a long haul.  Each day was the same.  I woke up, struggled to get through a shower and breakfast, rested, struggling to get through lunch and cleaning up the house a bit and more rest only to be watching the clock until Dave came home.  What a HUGE blessing to have a husband who was totally and completely selfless and made me feel loved when I cried, cared for when I couldn't care for myself, and reminded that if he needed to care for me like this for the rest of his life HE WOULD!

I was blessed beyond measure by friends who brought meals and made visits.  If you ever feel the tug on your heart to go visit someone who is house bound, DO IT!  What a blessing a short visit from a friend made in my 9 1/2 weeks at home.  Those of you that took the time, I have no doubt that the Lord has bless you for your willingness to minister to me with your time and love.  (A special thanks to Jan B, Millie H, and Shelly H for all of your visits and the huge blessing of food which helped me to relax knowing David was fed well!  The biggest thanks of all goes to my niece, Heather, who saw me through from the beginning and was there through the good and the bad of this whole experience.)

After 6 1/2 weeks in an expandable cast and then a fiberglass cast I was transitioned into a boot, but still no weight bearing.  Just about that time Mother's Day rolled around.  Beto and Lindsey would be flying home to photograph a wedding here in Michigan and Alicia was coming in from Chicago for the weekend.  I was still not quite up to much, but was thrilled that at last there would be a break in my boring routine and I would have family around me for a few days.  Oh, and the walking could slowly begin little by little.

It was Alicia's birthday that week and she arrived late at night by train on her birthday.  We did a bit of eating out and shopping, a real chore for me at this point, but still good to get out of the house.  I made the best of it and looked forward to Sunday when my girls were going to take over in the kitchen and I could just soak up the blessing of my family being together, well most of us anyway.  Oh how I missed Jenna and a family time is never complete without Alfred!

Mother's day morning arrived and Lindsey and Beto gave me a mother's day card.  I read it thanking them for their thoughtfulness.  Lindsey asked if I had read it.  Of course I had.  She told me to read it again, every word.  I reopened it and saw she had addressed it to "Grandma".  What???  Seriously???

Once again my precious girl was carrying a baby.  It was very early on and Lindsey had just, I mean just found out.  She privately shared with us and her sister once again swearing us to secrecy.

(Deep sigh)

HUGE SMILES

Tears, oh yes tears

Heart bursting, bursting, bursting so that I thought there could never ever be room for more joy.

To be continued...