For my daughter

Lindsey Joy and Mommy 1983

I Loved You From The Start

Author: Unknown

I loved you from the very start…

You stole my breath, embraced my heart.

 

Our life together has just begun,

You’re part of me, my little one.



As mother with child, each day I knew

My mind would be filled with thoughts of you.

I’m daydreaming of the things we’ll share,

Like late-night bottles and teddy bears.

Like first steps and skinned knees,

Like bedtime stories and ABC’s.



I’m thinking of things you’ll want to know,

Like how birds fly and flowers grow.

I’ve thought of lessons I’ll need to share,

Like standing tall and playing fair.



When I first see your precious face,

I’ll pray your life be touched with grace.

I’ll thank the Lord from above,

And promise you unending love.



Each night I’ll lay you down to sleep,

I’ll gently kiss your head and cheek.

I’ll count your little fingers and toes,

I’ll memorize your eyes and nose.



I will linger at your nursery door,

Awed each day that I love you more.

Through misty eyes, I’ll dim the light,

And whisper, “I love you” every night.



As mother with child our journey’s begun,

My heart’s yours forever, little one.


 I loved you from the very start…

You stole my breath, embraced my heart.

 

 Lindsey Joy ~ 22 weeks

Lindsey Joy, this poem speaks the very words held deeply in my heart 29 years ago.  Now look at you, so beautiful, so happy and so filled with wonder.

Your little boy is growing.  Each day you are noticing him more as he kicks reminding you that he is there.  I cannot even begin to tell you what the months that are ahead will feel like.  There's nothing like it, a growing baby within.  You'll feel the kicks.  You'll feel the hick-ups and before you know it you see little hands and feet moving across your belly.  He's right there tucked up under your heart.

I know you wonder what life will be like when he arrives.  Will you lose apart of yourself?  Will you be a good mom who loves to play with her little one?  Will you be able to handle the challenges that come with a new baby?

Trust me my daughter, you will be the best!  You are filled with love and all too soon this little boy will fill every single corner of your heart to where you can't imagine there's any room left.  He will smile at you and just that small little turned up mouth will melt you into a thousand pieces.  His eyes will sparkle when he sees you.  Your heart will feel like exploding.  And when his little head snuggles up in your neck and he falls peacefully asleep you will quietly utter a prayer that this moment will never come to an end.

 Lindsey, I wish you all the wonderful and magical moments I felt with you.  I still hold on to the memory of your little face against mine.  I can see your little smiles and sparkling blues eyes when I close mine.  I can feel your heartbeat against my chest when I think of you right there so close and such a part of me all those many years ago.

Oh yes, life will change for sure. 

 He will steal your breath and embrace your heart.

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness

I left therapy in tears today.  I didn't want to cry.  I tried hard not to cry, but I cried.

Therapy, it's a weird thing.  You walk in with some sort of need to be made well.  People all around you are fighting to regain their life and their independence.  I look around while I'm there and see so much pain combined with so much progress.  It's an interesting place.

Today I listened intently to people.  Lots of idle chatter going on.  Some girl talking about food.  A guy talking about fishing.  Another guy talking about his early morning college classes.  Yeah, lots of idle chatter.  That's part of the experience.

Me, I walked in expecting nothing today.  I was a bit down and out.  I think I was just tired.  I dreaded going to see Mason, my therapist, because I was in a funk of a mood.  I wanted to be all cheery and full of smiles saying all was well, but I wasn't feeling it, inside or out.  It didn't talk long for that to change.

Mason, the guy I called an angel after helping me overcome severe hip pain in a very short time.  Mason, the last guy on earth I expected God to put in my path to really be so much more than a therapist. 

It's pretty normal to share that idle chit-chat with your therapist.  Each time I've gone I've had a different person work with me.  Each time we began by talking about my health issues and then moved on to getting to know one another.  The common questions about how many kids you have or where you live are just a part of the process.

With Mason it turned very differently very quickly.

On my first visit we started the usual talk about family.  Before I knew it Mason was not only helping my hip feel better, but he was reaching a place in my heart that I had begun to close off.  We talked about our faith, our kids, our struggles.  He shared things from his life away from the Lord and how he found his way back.  He shared things that were new and eye opening to me leaving me to face the hard cold fact that my heart was shutting down and closing the door on areas that needed prayer and a new preservative to fight the good fight and never give up.

It's weird how in the most unusual places God shows up.  Why do I find it so amazing?  Isn't that who God is, amazing?  Doesn't He desire to show up and knock us off our feet leaving us in awe of His ways and His greatness?

Mason and I have been working together for the last two weeks.  Today we just sat and talked as he worked on my sore foot.  We talked about our goals as parents.  Even though his kids are younger and mine are adults and on their own we still have the desire to speak life and truth to them.  He began to share thoughts about the work of the Holy Spirit with me.  He reminded me of how at times there can be a cloud brought about by the enemy to cause a person's focus to become distorted and unclear.  He was reaching my heart.  He was being God's instrument in the flesh.

It was time to leave.  Mason had been out of the room for a couple of minutes and when he returned he looked at me with a smile and told me that he would be praying for my family, for answers to things I do not understand.  He made me promise to come back in time and share the good news of answered prayer with him.  He spoke faith, hope, and love in those few words.

Oh boy, that just did me in.  That's when the tears came.  This guy, this therapist guy just ministered to my sore and pain filled heart to the point where I knew, I KNEW the Spirit of the Living God was there, right there in the doorway of the therapy room. 

I left the building and drove away.  I then wept.  I soaked in the goodness of the God I serve.  I love the way He cares so deeply for me that he chose to use a physical therapist to reach me and remind me that I am not alone.  He cares so intently that in the middle of my day to day this and that He shows up and blows my socks off. 

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

Lord, thank you for being a God that is so personal and so real that You can reach down in my every day life and bring hope and healing not only to my body, but more importantly to my soul.  You never leave me on my own, but You show up and lead me by green pastures.  Your tenderness and gentleness can even be found through a therapy session where I never thought about Your presence being so real and so strong.  You truly are a personal God who not only knows the very number of hairs on my head, but also the deepest pain and hurts in my life where you long to bring healing.  I thank you Lord for reminding me that You alone are the balm that heals the broken hearted and You alone never stop giving to your own.

Peachy Pie Just Ain't Gonna Cut It

 Lindsey at 20 weeks

It was Tuesday and I knew the kids were heading to the doctor for the big, "We're finding out the baby's sex" visit.  Lindsey's appointment was mid morning and I was at work just chomping to find out what the news would be.

Somehow without even really giving it much thought I just assumed it was a girl.  I guess after giving birth to three daughters and then raising three girls for all those years I had forgotten that there was a 50/50 chance of it being a boy.

I walked into the lab at work and found a note on my computer monitor to call Lindsey.  My coworker was smiling while she said, "Call Lindsey!  Call Lindsey!"

I reached the kids cell and Lindsey immediately asked if I wanted to guess.  Nope, no guessing, just tell me!

I heard Beto say, "It's a boy!" 

I responded with, "Really??"

Lindsey piped up and said, "Yup!"

Wow, a baby boy!

I left work right after my quick chat with the kids.  It was my lunch break and I quickly drove home with tears filling my eyes.  I just sort of sat there my entire lunch break soaking in the reality of the news I'd just heard.

Once back at work I walked in and the tears fell.  I smiled at my coworker and explained that this was no longer all about my daughter being pregnant, this was about a little precious baby boy being added to our family. 

I began to wonder what he looks like.  Will he be fair skinned like his momma or brown like his daddy?  Will his eyes be brown or blue?  Will his nose be turned up like his momma's was at birth or will he have a crease between his eyes when he is serious like his daddy?

The one question that stuck in my mind was the very same one I asked myself over and over when I carried his mommy, "Will he know just how much I love him?"

It's been a couple of weeks now and I'm still floating around on a cloud.  I pray for this little guy each day, many times a day.  I want to find little things to send to his mom just so she knows I'm thinking about her and her baby.  I'm in awe of the photos she sends me of her tummy growing each week. 

No, he's no longer called Peachy Pie.  It just doesn't fit.  His dad and mom have not decided on his name quite yet and even if they do it might be their secret to keep until his birth day.  So for now he's just Baby.

I wonder what life will be like when this little boy arrives.  I know one thing for sure, my life changed completely the day I found out that a little boy will enter my world and call me grandma.  He's captured my heart already.  Yup, I'm in love with this little gift of life and I can't wait until January to meet him.  I sure hope he loves kisses.

Peachy Pie

My girl and little, itty bitty Peachy Pie at 16 weeks.  For now that is the name I'm calling the baby.  I love, I mean I LOVE peach pie and so why not?  Hopefully in a few weeks we will know if little Peachy Pie is a boy or a girl.  I may have to find a new name if it's a boy.  Somehow Peachy Pie sounds a bit too sweet for a boy.  Oh well, I'm sure by then this little one might even be given a real name and this Grammy won't need a nickname anymore.

One more goodbye

 

Most of all I wish you Jesus!

May I be all that and much more

 My gram and me ~ 1960

 My mom and me ~ 1960

Growing up I never once thought about what it meant for my grandmother or my mother to be moms.  I never gave a single thought as to how they viewed their lives or if being a mom and grandmother made them happy.  I never had to think about it because I knew from the very depths of my heart that being a mother and grandmother were the number one most important things in their lives.

As a child I remember vividly my grandmother's bible always being on her kitchen table or close by.  Her day began first of all with the Lord before she faced whatever task was hers.  It made an impression on my heart that her values were strong and good.

My mom was and is the most selfless person I know when it comes to her kids.  Not once in my life did I feel like my mom put herself before me and my brothers.  It was just a fact that her kids were her life.

I'm pondering a lot these days.

I miss my grandmother just as much as I did 14 years ago when she left this earth.  I miss her tender and caring heart.  She was the one person that I went to when I needed a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on.  I loved seeing her cater to my 3 little girls as she lead me to believe they were her very favorite great grandchildren even though she had many and each one was a treasure to her.

As a girl and even into my teens my mom was my best friend always.  She never let me down and made sure I felt secure and valued by her in all ways.

Yes, I'm pondering.

Was I a good enough mom?  Will I make a good grandma?

You know, my mom never played games with me.  She never crafted or loved cooking and baking.  Often we think these are the things that make a great mom.  For me it's something far deeper.  It was her undivided attention and unfailing love for me.

Although I never played Scrabble until I was 50 and I never realized all of the ingredients in the world to make amazing food I did know deep down in my heart the a mom's love was constant.  If I needed her she she would drop everything to be there for me.

My memories of my grandmother were a bit different.  She was an outstanding cook.  Her baking was hard to beat. She could sew and crochet beautifully.  She loved to read books to me as a child and to my children when they were big enough to sit on her lap.  Still the most important thing I remember about her was her heart.  To me it was as big as the world and she made me feel as though I filled every corner of it.

And so I ponder.

Will my daughters remember me like I think of my mom?  Will my grandchildren smile as they grow and think of their grandma as the best in the entire world.

I pray daily that I am a mother to be praised and a reflection of two amazing women who have graced my life and both "did it right
!" 

Thank you Lord for the blessing of my godly grandmother and mother.  Thank you for the memories I have as a little girl of being a treasure to both of them.  I ask you Lord to make me into the woman that reflects You in all things.  May my legacy be one of love beyond measure for each child You have given me and hopefully someday to many little ones to come.

Part 4: Walking, working, and seeing clearly

Needless to say, this was a Mother's day I'll remember forever.  I can honestly say that it made up for all the years that I had no children at home and sat in a heap of loneliness and self pity.

A dear friend once gently reminded me that Mother's day is just another day.  I needed to reflect on the blessing of being a mother, the blessing of having a wonderful mother of my own, and focus less on my empty heart.  I know she was right, but boy let me tell you that having them home and within my reach to hug is really the best way to enjoy being a mom.

The day after the kids left I returned to work.  It had been 9 1/2 weeks of recovery and I was finally feeling strong enough to go back to my part time job, part time.  I did some half days and even though I was not very strong and my foot hurt I felt a sense of regaining my life at last.

Soon I was out of the big, old, black boot and into a shoe.  What a day that was!  My shoes may not be pretty, but they beat a cast and a boot any old day.

So here I was, back to work, walking pretty good and daily reminding myself of the enormous blessing of walking out of my house on my own.  Being able to drive my car with my right foot was huge.  Yup, life was getting more of a regular routine each day.

While busy at work I got a phone call from one of my daughters.  Knowing that I'm working they normally don't call me unless it's important.  I have to admit that phone calls from Texas these days have set my heart racing.  Between Lindsey's health and Jenna having a car accident while heading to work in Dallas traffic I'm always a bit nervous when their names come up on my phone.(Working hard to get over this issue.)

This time was a very pleasant surprise.  Lindsey was calling to check what our plans were for the 4th of July.  Plans?  Huh?  We never have plans.  We sort of had some plans to attend our church camp out for part of the weekend, but the kids always come first.  They wanted to fly home and spend a week with us!  What great news!  Once again the unexpected visit home from the kids was pure joy.  Alicia decided to hop a train again and come for a couple of days.  Alfred had to work, but she was able to come home.

We had a great time just soaking up the heat here in Michigan.  We spent hours in the pool.  Dave and Beto got to experience some father/son time on the bikes.  We went to the beach which is a must if the kids are home in the summer.  It was my goal to get in the sand this summer and I did it!  It was just what the doctor ordered having the kids home and relaxing together making some good memories.

 My sore and tired feet feeling pretty happy in the beach sand.

 Dave and Beto following a bike ride.

Just relaxing.

The "momma to be" :D

 Sisters at the beach

As always life goes on.  The kids returned to their homes and Dave and I are back to just the two of us.  Things are slightly different these days as we spent countless conversations talking about becoming grandparents.  We have no idea how this long distance thing is going to feel and I just don't really want to think about that part of it right now.  We are just having fun thinking about that little life that will change us forever.

I hope to fly to Dallas this fall to see my sweet girl pregnant.  I can't go the entire time and not see her tummy growing.  With the baby due in January they will not be coming home for the holidays.  There are weddings to photograph and then the time is too close for travel.

All in all I feel over the top blessed and even though my time of recovery didn't give me a super spiritual experience I did learn over time to see the hand of God constantly at work in my life.

I watched Him bring me through a very difficult surgery and recovery.  I witnessed the loss of our precious first grandchild only to be reminded that He never took His eyes off from our kids and He never forgot about us.  Walking through that valley His presence was so sweet giving comfort to us and hope.  The news of another baby on the way was a promise to us that He cares for His own blessing us with the desires of our hearts.  He protected Jenna from harm when in the car accident and extended His loving shoulder to lean on throughout a long and drawn out nightmare of getting the claim settled.

Yes, I DID have an over the top spiritual experience.  It just turned into a daily walk with the Lord once again learning to lean, trust, and hope.  In the lowest of times He was there.  In the height of happiness He was there.

It might have taken me time to process His goodness and faithfulness, but just as He promised He was there all along.


The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. 
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. 
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me;
your rod and your staff, they comfort me. 
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. 
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.
Psalm 23 (NIV)