Saturday, August 20, 2011

Part two: Dallas work trip

When I first heard that Dave's job wanted to send him to Dallas for work I was excited.  When he told me it would possibly mean two weeks the excitement was gone.  There was a chance that he would not go the first week, but only the second.  Secretly I prayed for that.  I had never been alone in 28 years.  Since becoming a mom I always had someone here with me.  The idea of having him gone for two weeks sounded loooooong!  

The word came saying that Dave would not be going on the first week of the field fix.  A couple of the guys going on the fix were not wanting to do two weeks so the chances were looking good for him to go for the second week.  THAT I could handle.  As it happened he ended up leaving really early on Monday morning and flying home Friday night.  

The week went by quickly and Friday night could not come soon enough.  I had Friday off from work, but woke up to a migraine that took me right off my feet.  By the time I needed to head to the airport I was scared to drive after all the meds I had taken.  I made it without a glitch (thanks to those of you who were praying for my safety) and felt like glue stuck on paper the minute I laid my eyes on my guy.

The weekend was low keyed.  I still was sick on Saturday and felt awful that my husband was home for two days and I was out of commission.  Yup, only two days, the company was sending him back for a second week.  (sigh)

Sunday rolled around and my emotions went totally south.  I cried most of the day and was just plain angry that our kids all live far away.  Most days in my life I deal with the distance pretty well.  I hurt secretly when I hear others talk about their family times and the everyday life of being together, but I remind myself that this is our life and I can do it always looking forward to the next visit with the kids.  God is the giver of strength.

I have no idea why this was the day for the bottom to fall out other than knowing that Dave had been asked to fly back to Dallas for a second week.  I was looking at working every day that he was gone and facing Lindsey's birthday on Wednesday knowing I would be home while Dave would be with her.

It was a rough week to say the least.  I prayed and prayed that work would go well and that I would handle all the hours without complaint.  I'm so thankful it went really good and I made myself a promise to not utter a word about being sick of working.  I get weary hearing people complain about filling in at work and yet they love their time away.  I wanted to make it through the week without anyone having to hear me complain and knowing my coworker could take vacation without any guilt.  Poor Dave got the tears and crabbiness when we connected by phone.  How awful is that?!

The hard part was knowing that Dave had a second week with the kids.  Wednesday, Lindsey's 28th birthday, I found myself crying at work as I thought of my daughter, who has been gone from our home for 11 years living in Texas.  As a mom I'll never understand this life I've been handed.  My heart hurts wanting a life shared with my family and knowing it's not happening.

Recently I found myself telling someone that for the first time I've let go of hope.  I've given up completely on my kids coming back to Michigan.  They have their own lives established and they are content and happy.  Somehow I feel very robbed.  I ask the Lord almost daily why I have such a deep desire to be together when in reality it's not going to happen.  So, I lay it down.  I'm laying it down in pain and sadness, but I'm laying it down.  If you've never had all of your children far away you don't have a clue what it's like. It's tough on parents.

David's time in Dallas was busy with work and lots of running around.  He saw the kids for dinner at night and even spent one day getting a repair done on Jenna's car with Beto.  I know he was glad to finally be back home.  That Texas heat was too much for him!

I'm thankful the two weeks are now behind him.  I hope our kids had fun with their dad.  He's such a good man and really loves his kids.  

As for me, I sit here just as confused as always knowing my kids feel guilt when I'm lonely and yet knowing this is the life they have chosen.  David recently asked me if maybe we should be foster parents or if I needed to find a new way to give of myself to feel complete.  I have no answers.  I'm just thankful for a good man who is so full of love and compassion that when I hurt he hurts with me. 

The week of separation came to an end on Thursday afternoon when Dave showed up at my job with roses in hand and surprised me.  I would have loved to walk right out the door and be home with him, but I still had a few hours to work.  Once 5:00PM came I was out that door like lightening and ready to be with him.

Although the Dallas work trip was very bittersweet I once again realize that a marriage of love and commitment is worth more than its weight in gold.  The Word may say that a man who finds a good wife finds a good thing, but I know in my heart that a woman who finds a guy like Dave has found much more than she ever deserved.