Friday, June 21, 2013

All sons and daughters

Every day driving to and from the hospital to spend the day with Beckham we listened to this music.  It quickly became my favorite album and I've been listening to it non-stop lately.  It's in my car and on my Ipad.  I am blessed over and over listening to the lyrics.

All to often I've fallen short and questioned and been filled with pain beyond what words can say, but the reminder of Who holds my life in His hands and what it means to praise Him in the midst of this journey has begun to penetrate deeply.

It's my prayer that each day I'll find something new about the God I serve that I never knew or understood before.  It's His breath in my lungs so I pour out my praise.  He restores each heart that is broken.

Great are you Lord!

Monday, June 10, 2013

A little boy named Beckham

I've often heard about people going through life experiences that completely change them in such a way that they are no longer the same person they were for most of their life.  Due to the events that transpired they were changed, changed in ways most of us will never completely understand.  It may be a good thing we don't understand fully these journeys or events as it can be so painful that they wound the soul and shake the spirit.  Sometimes an event can be so traumatic that just hearing about it takes your breath away. 

I don't even know how to write about my life since receiving the phone call in December when little Beckham was ready to enter this world.  Actually this journey began long before his birth on the day we learned of his broken heart.  My life changed on that day and I know for a fact it will never, ever be the same.  I had not a clue what HLHS even was let alone my grandson being born with it.

I've spent hours, days, weeks deep in thought trying to make sense of this journey we are on as a family.  I've never been one to question God, never...until now.  I've cried hard and long until there were no more tears to cry..  I've hurt to my core and wondered how in the world I would ever get to a place where the pain no longer felt it deserved a place in my heart.

But then...Beckham, sweet Beckham

I adore him.  I'm just crazy in love with this little one.  Over and over I've wished I was the one enduring his pain, going through the surgeries and facing the unknown future.  I hurt always just knowing the things he's been put through just to live one more day.

Yes, sweet, little Beckham has changed me forever.

Even though life has been more difficult that I ever dreamed it could be, the flip side is Beckham.  He makes my heart smile.  He fills the empty places with his sweet face and chubby cheeks.  Beckham, our gift.

I may never understand on this earth why a little boy has had to go through so much.  I've asked, believe me I've asked.  I've been angry, again something I've never felt when going through the fire, but anger has solved nothing.  I've been broken-hearted and still am a great deal of the time, but Beckham makes all of my pain worth it just to love him every single day.  I think it's because I know my pain is nothing compared to his and just having the gift of loving him one day at a times helps me to understand ever so slightly that even in pain there is joy unspeakable.

If I could pour all of my love on this little boy and by doing that heal all of his hurts and wounds I would pour every last drop of love from myself into him.  If I could hold his little hand and make it all better I would never ever let go.  If...if only I could.

I know my only resting place for peace in this huge and out of control storm is in the Lord.  Although I'm still trying hard to figure out the God I've trusted for almost all of my life I need to lay it down and trust.  It's not been easy and some days I just want to walk away, but His Spirit draws me back and I find myself exhausted as I put my head to my pillow and begin praying without even realizing it.  My Shepherd is listening and he cares about me, His hurting and sometimes lost little sheep.

Father God, I do not begin to claim that I understand Your ways.  I long to know the "whys" of this journey.  I desire to see sweet Beckham whole, completely healed.  I am left with surrender, complete surrender.  I'm not quite there yet, but I'm seeking to let it go and to trust that You are always in control and that Your plan is not mine.  Oh how my plan would never bring about the whole beautiful story of who You really are.  I ask for Your Spirit to continue to comfort me, guide me and to bring me to a place of sweet surrender.  For I's all in Your time and all in your hands. 

Song by Matt Hammitt from Sanctus Real, a dad who's little boy has HLHS
For more on Beckham you can read updates here:

Sunday, February 10, 2013

My testimony about our journey with Beckham

I was able to share this in church today, February 10, 2013

One year ago we began a journey that we never anticipated.  We found out we were going to be grandparents for the very first time.  We were over the top excited even though we knew this little one would be over a thousand miles away from us since our kids live in Dallas Texas.  One month later we found out that little one would not enter this world, but rather had been taken from us before we ever got to lay eyes on him.

It was not long after and we were thrilled to learn there was another baby on the way.  The anticipation was high and once we got through the first trimester we thought we were pretty much home free.  Our kids wanted to know the sex of the baby so we waited for the news of whether our first grandchild would be a boy or girl.

I think we were all in a bit of shock to learn that a little boy was on his way.  We only knew how to do the girl thing at our house having had 3 daughters.  It was at this point that we also learned that our little boy would be born with HLHS meaning the left side of his heart did not develop.

The tears fell and they fell hard.  Dave and I cried together and prayed.  We struggled, but knew we needed to rest on our faith knowing God does not make mistakes and His finger prints were all over baby Beckham and his little growing heart.  We immediately found ourselves seeking after God hard and fast.

Over the couple of months that followed it was a daily roller coaster ride.  Longing to believe for total healing and yet asking God if He might be choosing to allow this little one to enter this world without a complete heart.  Either way we never doubted that miracles would come.

Beckham was born on Dec 21.  We fell in love with him even before we arrived in Dallas to meet him the day after his birth.

In the days that followed as we waited for him to have open heart surgery, the first of three, I found myself praying constantly.  I still cried more than I had in a very long time and I longed for God to carry me through this amazing time and a time that was also the worst in my entire life.  This precious little boy had captured my heart and yet I knew the reality of possibly losing him was still in the picture.

After twelve days of bonding with and loving Beckham we sat as a family in his hospital room early in the morning with the lights down low and waited for the team to arrive to take him to surgery.  Our daughter held her son as tears slipped down her cheeks and our son in law sang over him Matt Redman's 10,000 reasons-bless the Lord and Never Once .  It wasn't long and all of us were passing the tissues.  A moment I will never forget.

We gathered in a small room while we waited for each update on the 3 plus hours of surgery.  Peace filled the room and completely filled my heart.  I knew this was a very critical time, but I was witness to the Lord's directing each step from the best possible location in Dallas, to the best surgeon, to the support of godly family and friends.

The days that followed were filled with joy each time we saw Beckham improve.  When the set backs came we felt disappointment, but deep within my spirit I found peace that passes all understanding.  God was there.  He was in Beckham's room and holding this baby in His palm.  I knew that I knew this was truth.

It's now been 7 weeks since surgery.  Dave came home to work a week after surgery and last weekend I flew to Chicago where Dave picked me up to head home.  We talked on the drive home about our feelings and emotions.

We both agreed that we had grown and now were able to see the situation from a different perspective than we had before Beckham's birth.  We both felt as though we had been called to follow.  God was not asking us to beg for total and complete healing, although we knew He was able to do just that.  We, instead, felt that resting in His plan and holding fast to the fact that He would never let us go was enough.  He had called us to a new place in our lives and we wanted to follow knowing the cost would be high, but worth the journey.  We found ourselves reminded to not wait for adversity to come to draw us closer to the Lord.  James 4:8 Come close to God and He will come close to you...THAT was our plan and continues to be from here on out.

Oh, seeing a baby born perfect would have made our lives easy and our future bright, but knowing Beckham was special caused us to surrender our hope for a perfect life and rather bask in the beauty of a life led and directed by God even if the storms were huge and the boat at times felt as though it was sinking.

No, our boat didn't sink.  Instead we found Christ calming the storms and commanding the waves to cease.  We found a peace that surely passes all understanding and hope that God's plan for Beckham was and is far greater than our human minds can comprehend.

This little boy has already touched the hearts and lives of people all over the world.  The word of our testimony has been a blessing to share even if the story continues to leave us with hurdles.  We are at peace.  We are hope filled and excited to see what lies ahead for our family and baby Beckham.

God's promises are always true.  He never leaves, never forsakes.

My middle daughter, Alicia, shared a song with me by one of the praise and worship leaders at their church, Meredith Andrews, while we waited together in the lobby at the Children's hospital.  The lyrics seemed to have been written just for me, just for our family and to remind us of the priceless hope we have in Christ alone.

Tomorrow Beckham finally will come home! 
Thank you Lord.  I also want to thank each person that has offered up prayers on Beckham's behalf and uplifted the rest of our family through comments, emails and gifts of love.  I know your love and support has helped to see all of us through this journey so far. 
... from Matt Redman
Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own

 Welcome Beckham West Moreno

 Ready to be transported to the Dallas Children's Medical Center

Mommy Lindsey enjoying some holding and bonding time.

 Sweet baby boy.
Grandpa Dave with his little grandson on the first day of holding.
 Daddy Beto, such a natural at this love thing!
 Auntie Jenna totally in love with this little boy
 Post surgery :(

 Growing stronger weeks after surgery.  
Less wires and no feeding tube!!!

 A one hour practice run with the car seat before the actual going home ride, 
a hospital requirement.

 Auntie Alicia savoring some Beckham time 
on her second visit to Dallas.

You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You will lead us on. 
We shall not be overcome!!!  
God you are faithful!!!