I don't even know how to write about my life since receiving the phone call in December when little Beckham was ready to enter this world. Actually this journey began long before his birth on the day we learned of his broken heart. My life changed on that day and I know for a fact it will never, ever be the same. I had not a clue what HLHS even was let alone my grandson being born with it.
I've spent hours, days, weeks deep in thought trying to make sense of this journey we are on as a family. I've never been one to question God, never...until now. I've cried hard and long until there were no more tears to cry.. I've hurt to my core and wondered how in the world I would ever get to a place where the pain no longer felt it deserved a place in my heart.
But then...Beckham, sweet Beckham
I adore him. I'm just crazy in love with this little one. Over and over I've wished I was the one enduring his pain, going through the surgeries and facing the unknown future. I hurt always just knowing the things he's been put through just to live one more day.
Yes, sweet, little Beckham has changed me forever.
I may never understand on this earth why a little boy has had to go through so much. I've asked, believe me I've asked. I've been angry, again something I've never felt when going through the fire, but anger has solved nothing. I've been broken-hearted and still am a great deal of the time, but Beckham makes all of my pain worth it just to love him every single day. I think it's because I know my pain is nothing compared to his and just having the gift of loving him one day at a times helps me to understand ever so slightly that even in pain there is joy unspeakable.
If I could pour all of my love on this little boy and by doing that heal all of his hurts and wounds I would pour every last drop of love from myself into him. If I could hold his little hand and make it all better I would never ever let go. If...if only I could.
I know my only resting place for peace in this huge and out of control storm is in the Lord. Although I'm still trying hard to figure out the God I've trusted for almost all of my life I need to lay it down and trust. It's not been easy and some days I just want to walk away, but His Spirit draws me back and I find myself exhausted as I put my head to my pillow and begin praying without even realizing it. My Shepherd is listening and he cares about me, His hurting and sometimes lost little sheep.
Father God, I do not begin to claim that I understand Your ways. I long to know the "whys" of this journey. I desire to see sweet Beckham whole, completely healed. I am left with surrender, complete surrender. I'm not quite there yet, but I'm seeking to let it go and to trust that You are always in control and that Your plan is not mine. Oh how my plan would never bring about the whole beautiful story of who You really are. I ask for Your Spirit to continue to comfort me, guide me and to bring me to a place of sweet surrender. For I know....it's all in Your time and all in your hands.
Song by Matt Hammitt from Sanctus Real, a dad who's little boy has HLHS
For more on Beckham you can read updates here: