I woke up with a nagging feelings of being frustrated. I was convinced that I had somehow hurt someone I love very much and unsure how to handle it. Some things had transpired months ago and it was subtly brought to my attention that my words and actions may have left a sore spot.
All morning long I fought the feelings of despair. The funny part was that the Lord was showing up at every turn shouting at me loud and clear. The sad part was I was not quite ready to listen.
I had plans to get together at night with a group of friends from the Praise and Coffee gang. Sue had invited some of us over to her place for a night of girl time. I decided to get up and get busy. I made my list for the grocery store and headed out. My heart was heavy and my mind just couldn't move past how to mend something that I really didn't even understand.
I came home and got busy baking to take a little treat along to share with my friends. I flipped over my daily devotional that sits on my kitchen window sill and found the Lord right there. The scripture spoke loud and clear. "I have set the Lord always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure." Psalm 16:8-9. There He was reminding me to set him before me, put him first, and rest secure. I pondered for a split second and moved on to the ingredients that were scattered on my counter top.
Noticing how quiet it was in my kitchen I headed over to my laptop and found my way to Pandora. I found a station and headed back to the baking at hand. The first song that came on was Laura Story singing Grace. I had not heard this song before, but the very first line caught me right then and there speaking about my proud heart and my unfocused eyes.
Finally I realized the Lord was trying to get my attention. I had not wanted to believe that I could hurt someone I love so very much. I wanted to believe that person was wrong, misguided and not understanding me. Ahh, I needed to do some soul searching. I needed to look at my own heart and not try to fix the other person's.
The day went on and soon it was time to head to my night out. I drove the 45 minute drive finding myself in prayer and reflection. My friend that was going to ride along with me had to cancel and once again I realized the Lord wanted to speak to my heart. He knew I needed that time alone in the car to be quiet and just listen.
I was broken. I needed to drop my pride aside and allow the Lord to pick me up one more time. He reminded me that my actions were far from perfect, but His forgiveness was far more than any mixed up and confusing situation. I knew in my spirit that I needed to forgive myself. I needed to stop allowing the enemy to convince me that I was a loser and unloved because of a situation that neither me nor the other person could control at the time.
Life finds a way to keep us busy. Our ears get close and our eyes lose focus. The peace comes when we understand that the Lord never leaves us. He continues to prick our hearts and minds longing to draw us to Him. I may fall short of His glory over and over, but if I continue to seek His face I will always walk in the power of His daily sufficient grace.
I am not sure the situation is resolved and I cannot confront this person face to face. I can only seek the Lord to heal and restore, to give grace unending and patience to trust in His timing that restoration will come.
Thank you Lord for Calvary and the gift of grace that is poured out freely on me day after day.