Friday, July 20, 2012

Part 3: Dealing with the pain, loneliness... and hope!

It was a very difficult time to be so far away from our kids and unable to hold them, cry with them, and love on them.  We were able to Skype which at least allowed us to talk and cry together.  We encouraged them to grieve, but to also keep their hope in the Lord.  He had done great things for us all those years ago when after our first loss came a beautiful baby girl named Lindsey Joy!

You know, it's only God that can remind you in the midst of sorrow and pain that there will be, "... beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor." (Isaiah 61:3)  After a long and rough week where Lindsey was down in bed with a throat infection we began to see hope arise.  Although pain was still present for all of us, we could feel that God had allowed that ray of hope to rise up within our hearts.

It gave me great joy to hear our kids talk about the future and the hope of another pregnancy.  Once again my thoughts went back all those years ago when Dave and I walked this very road and in His timing we were able to look ahead hanging onto the reality that we had once been blessed with a pregnancy and now there was hope, real hope that it would happen again.  I prayed daily for our children and the hope of a new life for them.

Time passed.  Lindsey healed.  Hearts hoped.  As for me, I was in pain and just plain lonely.  I wished each and every day away just waiting to walk again.  I fought guilt for not relishing this time that so many had encouraged me to look forward to before surgery.  Many friends reminded me of this precious time to seek the Lord and just rest in Him.  I felt a sense of guilt for not wanting to spend every waking moment seeking the Lord.  Don't get me wrong, I needed the Lord daily, at times minute by minute, but I just wanted to find this rich place of dwelling in Him and instead found myself tired and just so alone.  I knew the Lord was there with me the entire time.  He made himself known in ways too many to number.  I just needed to look hard to see them and to let go of the self imposed guilt brought on by my own disappointment of not having a "spiritual" experience that was extraordinary while being laid up.

The recovery from my surgery went as well as could be expected.  I had a few set back such as a nerve issue in my leg and pulled back muscle, but the foot seemed to be healing.  Boy, I didn't have a clue pre-surgery that it would be such a long haul.  Each day was the same.  I woke up, struggled to get through a shower and breakfast, rested, struggling to get through lunch and cleaning up the house a bit and more rest only to be watching the clock until Dave came home.  What a HUGE blessing to have a husband who was totally and completely selfless and made me feel loved when I cried, cared for when I couldn't care for myself, and reminded that if he needed to care for me like this for the rest of his life HE WOULD!

I was blessed beyond measure by friends who brought meals and made visits.  If you ever feel the tug on your heart to go visit someone who is house bound, DO IT!  What a blessing a short visit from a friend made in my 9 1/2 weeks at home.  Those of you that took the time, I have no doubt that the Lord has bless you for your willingness to minister to me with your time and love.  (A special thanks to Jan B, Millie H, and Shelly H for all of your visits and the huge blessing of food which helped me to relax knowing David was fed well!  The biggest thanks of all goes to my niece, Heather, who saw me through from the beginning and was there through the good and the bad of this whole experience.)

After 6 1/2 weeks in an expandable cast and then a fiberglass cast I was transitioned into a boot, but still no weight bearing.  Just about that time Mother's Day rolled around.  Beto and Lindsey would be flying home to photograph a wedding here in Michigan and Alicia was coming in from Chicago for the weekend.  I was still not quite up to much, but was thrilled that at last there would be a break in my boring routine and I would have family around me for a few days.  Oh, and the walking could slowly begin little by little.

It was Alicia's birthday that week and she arrived late at night by train on her birthday.  We did a bit of eating out and shopping, a real chore for me at this point, but still good to get out of the house.  I made the best of it and looked forward to Sunday when my girls were going to take over in the kitchen and I could just soak up the blessing of my family being together, well most of us anyway.  Oh how I missed Jenna and a family time is never complete without Alfred!

Mother's day morning arrived and Lindsey and Beto gave me a mother's day card.  I read it thanking them for their thoughtfulness.  Lindsey asked if I had read it.  Of course I had.  She told me to read it again, every word.  I reopened it and saw she had addressed it to "Grandma".  What???  Seriously???

Once again my precious girl was carrying a baby.  It was very early on and Lindsey had just, I mean just found out.  She privately shared with us and her sister once again swearing us to secrecy.

(Deep sigh)


Tears, oh yes tears

Heart bursting, bursting, bursting so that I thought there could never ever be room for more joy.

To be continued...


Mari said...

Reading this gives me goose bumps! What a happy moment.

Cheri said...

Such happy news after heartbreak. God is so good!

Tammy said...

So glad you are healing and such good news for your family!!

Momma Roar said...

I didn't know that is how she announced it. Would you quit making me tear up?