There are so many things swirling inside of my head right now. I wish I could just write it all on here and let it all come crashing out, but I can't. The feelings that I have involve too many people and it would not be fair to any of them.
There are areas in my life that I wish I had concrete answer to: my job, my daughter’s future, finding a new church, menopause. Did I mention menopause? Oh yeah, I guess I already did - Oh the joy of menopause.
*Pausing to thank the Lord for my patient and always loving husband. Did I mention menopause? Sigh*
I've found this stage in life to be madness. I guess that became evident when I named this blog. No one really prepared me for what comes along with this glorious and constantly confusing time in life. I find myself grabbing charts at work to use as a fan when the heat rises. It's comical, sort of, yet oh so frustrating. Of course it always happens at the worst of times. Oh well, it's all a part of it and so I press on.
Work has left me confused. I've worked some extra hours over the summer due to being short handed in our department. It's always rough for everyone when we are short. Finding someone new, training someone and all that goes with it are maddening. It's only my job to fill in the hours, but that's enough for me. I learned many, many years ago that the good Lord created me to be a part-timer. I've never functioned well working too many hours. I become depressed and out of sorts. Again, sounds a bit like menopause to me. Menopause, did I mention menopause?
When it comes to being a mom of a single daughter that lives very far away there is no other word to describe it other than madness. It's hard to give a hug through a text message. It's hard to show how much you care about her life and all that is happening in it when "I love you" is sent by a text or Facebook messages. She's an adult, but still so in need of guidance and support. It's just plain hard.
At least church seems to be something to be a bit excited about. I've been feeling lost and in a dry place for a very long time. We have attended an amazing church for over 28 years, but it's grown to be a huge church, like 8,000 people and more. We've sat under teaching that has been invaluable in my walk with the Lord. We've watch our kids grow to love the Lord and long to serve Him while being a part of this church. Now, we are a lost pair in a sea of thousands. So we ventured out. We found a little church close to home and visited the last two weeks. We felt loved. We felt contentment. We felt noticed. Being a part of a church means more than walking in and walking out the doors week after week. That's where we have been for a very long time.
And so it goes. My life is filled with feelings of being unsure, unsure about so many things. Thankfully I can lay it down and be reminded of who holds tomorrow and that I need not feel the need to be the one in control. There is ONE far, far greater than I who knows my future at work, at church, and with my family. He even knows each moment of menopause and has promised to be with me--- even when I walk through the fire so to speak. (Trust me, some of these hot flashes feel like fire.) He tells me to not waste my time worrying about tomorrow for tomorrow has enough worries of its own. (Matt 6:34)
Today I thank the Lord that even though my mind is swimming, my heart feels a bit heavy from time to time, and I find myself feeling like a lump of hot dish plopped down on a plate and all mixed up I can rest easy (in spite of the sleepless nights) knowing I really do rest safely in the palm of the One who created me (Jeremiah 1:5), the One who counts the hairs on my head (Luke 12:7), and the One that calls me His own, yes, I am a friend of God...
... and so it goes.