Lord, it's me again. I'm sure You've noticed that we've been talking more than usual lately. It seems I'm finding that moment by moment I need to be reminded that You are there. I know, You promised me that You would always be here for me and never leave me alone, but boy do I feel alone at times. It comforts me to come talk with You. I always find that peace that the world seems to rob me of.
Lord, I know Your Word is truth and life. I learned this as a very little girl. You know, as I grew I began to realize that life is not always so easy. There are these times when the rubber really meets the road. Father, I'm thankful that You have been there all along. ALWAYS.
I've walked through some tough times in my 52 years. I've hurt so deep in my core that I wondered how in the world the wound would ever heal. You, my God, are the great healer. You, my God, brought me out of places that burned and scarred my heart and soul. You brought me out whole again.
So now Father, I walk an unknown path once again. You never said life would be piece of cake. You never promised me smooth sailing. Yet I know You promised to bring me THROUGH to the other side and bring me out refined and more like your son Jesus Christ. Oh how often I've prayed, "Whatever it takes Lord."
Two weeks ago when Lindsey called and gave me the news of baby Beckham's heart I felt the bottom drop out. It felt like my heart was ripped right out of my chest. I shut down for a few hours. I couldn't cry, couldn't process. My baby girl was facing life head on with a huge hurdle and I couldn't take the pain away. This is a mother's nightmare.
As I think back on each step I smile knowing that You were there. In the midst of my heartache Your Word was in my heart. Your hands were holding me up and carrying me. Yes Lord, You are faithful.
The next week was a place I hate, a roller coaster. I remember the last time I boarded a roller coast I promised You that as mother I would never EVER get on one again. It was insane and I needed to keep my feet on the ground for my children. Well, that was a literal roller coaster and now I was on an emotional one and no matter how hard I was screaming and crying I needed to ride the ride to arrive at the end and see that during the ride I was being held on to by the hand of GOD alone.
Lord, here I am two weeks later. My heart feels peace even as the world is screaming at me. Some scream FAITH, HOPE, MIRACLES! If we don't believe we sin!!! You know Lord, I DO believe in healing. I just don't understand the preaching and condemnation of some. Others mourn for things lost even though Beckham has not even entered this world yet. I'm torn Lord. I'm confused. I want to plug my ears. I need love and support, not preaching or doubt.
So today I fight to close out the noise of this world and cling to You. I believe Lord. I believe that the Maker of this world makes NO mistakes. I believe that if You could hang the moon and the stars then You alone ARE a miracle worker for Beckham.
My faith may only be the size of a mustard seed at times, but Your Word assures me that it's enough to move mountains! I will stand strong and trust that You have a plan and purpose for Beckham. You are directing the path of our family. You have knit Beckham in Lindsey's womb and he IS fearfully and wonderfully made.
I thank you Lord, my Father, my God for each and every promise you have given to ME. You are a loving God and the picture You see is far more than my finite mind can fathom. Oh how I pray that when the unbelief wiggles it's way in that You will restore my faith and trust in the One who created the universe, in You my God.
I'm mystified at how much I love this little boy. The very thought of him bring tears to me eyes. He is already a huge part of our family. What a gift, Lord, what a gift!
I give You THANKS for BECKHAM.
Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait I say, on the Lord.